Saturday, October 3, 2009

Subway, eat crap.

Subway is at it again, shaming those of us who are audacious enough to choose the dreaded “fast food” instead of the allegedly nutrient-packed Subway products. In the commercial I saw this evening whilst immersed in a “Mythbusters” marathon (ostensibly in preparation for the new season’s debut on Wednesday OMG CAN’T WAIT) featured a couple of fellows taking a lunch break while working in a warehouse. As one average-looking fellow was presented with his greasy bag of Satan, a voice-over intoned (and I will be forced to paraphrase because doing a Google search only caused me to crawl into the liquor cabinet), “Here’s your bag of opposite sex repellent”; then, of course, there’s the token fat guy who doesn’t know he’s fat, HAR HAR getting his bag of “the 'I’m not fat, I’m husky special'”.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Subway, the hilarity, it just burns!

Look, I’ve bitched about you before, Subway, and the bottom line is, I will never, ever patronize your establishments if my options are eating shit that is sugar-coated or eating one of your dreadful fucking subs. You started going straight to hell when you eliminated the wacky cut and topping subs with the resulting strippy bit of bread, and you sealed your fate the second you latched onto the magical tale of Jared and the Subway Diet. Your product is about as appetizing to me as stale turds in a punch bowl, and the angle your silly-ass advertising team takes even less so.

Plus, your stores have a funny smell. I don’t like you. Go away.

As for fat being an “opposite sex repellent”, I think all of those in The Museum of Fat Love would disagree with you.


Sydera said...

I am under no illusions that Subway is healthy. It's industrial food, it's fast food, period.

And their stores absolutely do smell funny.


I love love love the BMT sub (no, it's not one of the lowfat ones). It takes me right back to elementary school when my mom worked full-time and so both parents packed my lunches really haphazardly with totally random things. My favorite was always the 1/4 of a BMT from Subway that would somehow make it in there...probably a half sandwich split between me and my brother. I was never a kid that traded my lunch, but the days the subway was in there? Somehow it was magical and it made all those soggy half-frozen PB (no J) sandwiches that had sat next to the frozen drinkbox all morning worth it.

I like this memory, because it makes me think of my parents cooperating and doing the best they could--and even remembering an occasional treat like that for the lunchbox.

But still. I will. not. eat. the lunch I usually got for elementary school--cold PB no J and a box of raisins. Ugh. Will not eat either thing. it's not that my mom's evil, leaving off the awesome jelly--she herself was traumatized by gross jelly as a kid and now hates it.

And so, now that I've moved to an apartment complex right next to a Subway, I get lazy and nostalgic and eat a BMT about once a week. In fact, I have half a one in the fridge right now. And it is so not health food! That is a pile of pepperoni and salami.

caseyatthebat said...

I freaking hate Subway, and you're right - they DO smell funny!! When I saw that commercial, my immediate thought was that I couldn't believe they managed to shoehorn both fat-shaming AND heteronormative bullshit into one sentence. Now THAT's a talent (eyeroll).

cynth said...

I am a subway hater. I have hated them deeply since they started the Jarred crap.

I will never eat there ever and I truly.......deeply.........mean it.

Angellore said...

I live in the UK and the Subway stores here have that exact same weird smell as the ones in the US. WTF is is?

Anonymous said...

These commercials make me want to breathe fire!!!

I used to eat there all the time but now I am going to boycott.

Anonymous said...

Yesss! Subway stores do smell funny! Thank god someone else has noticed, I thought it was just me.

(Oh yeah, and everything else you said as well:-)

Potterchik said...

The stores really do have a funny smell. I live in Maine, where you can get a better sub (we call 'em italians, here) in any corner store. I would not be caught dead in a Subway. Now I have even more reason, but "The food sucks" was reason enough.