Monday, June 2, 2008

Hey Subway!

No no, don't eat fresh, Subway. EAT ME. They have a new ad now that's targeting fat panic at men, where if you don't eat Subway Jared-style and dare to have *gasp* a burger and fries, the following is going to happen to you:

*you'll have to wear the dreaded "fat pants"
*you'll need a seatbelt extender
*you'll have to wear bigger clothes
*you'll have to read diet books
*you'll have to get a gym membership
*you'll have to wear more deodorant (because after all, FAT PEOPLE SWEAT MORE--in fact, we sweat so uncontrollably we walk through life looking like Albert Brooks in "Broadcast News" when he gets his shot at the weekend anchor desk and suffers a massive attack of the flop sweats)
*you'll be more paranoid
*you'll need a therapist

Not for nothing, but having a gym membership in and of itself isn't a bad thing. I have a gym membership at a very swank and shiny gym where the emphasis isn't on health but on how to look better naked. Despite the completely fucking ridiculousness of that whole concept, the folks that work there are nice and I've never experienced any static from other gym members about Ole Fattie hopping on the treadmills or whatnot.

I would also venture to say that if you have a burger and fries when the mood strikes you, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY BALLOON UP 50 POUNDS. Having a piece of cheesecake does not result in an instant weight gain of 10 pounds. Your heart isn't going to stop, your head isn't going to explode.

As for being fat making you paranoid...well, how ridiculous. Certainly, we've all learned that being fat in society is downright beloved. It's not as if there are stories every day about how if you're fat, you're a lazy sack; or fat people being portrayed in movies and TV shows as gluttonous hogs trying to devour the world; or wank-filled brawls in internet communities about the evildoings of fat people. It's not unusual for me to be walking down the street and suddenly, someone stops me to hug me to let me know how much my being fat is embraced and adored.


And as we all know, if you're thin, there's absolutely no need for therapy or any sort of psychiatric assistance. Thin people are never depressed. It's true.

Look, Subway, I dialed out on eating your shit when Jared was trotted out, and the more you've gone the way of fat-panicking the nation into buying your decidedly weak-ass subs, the more I'm determined to mock the hell out of you. Seriously. You'll need to buy more deodorant??



Anonymous said...

I really wish I didn't love their sandwiches. Although I haven't eaten there in a while.
Their cookies are the best thing on the menu, anyway! ;)

Equality on the plains... said...

Yea. I had some anger about that commercial, especially the gym part. It goes right back to going to the gym being punishment for being fat. Because if you're thin like me, it doesn't matter what you do: You're healthy HURR HURR HURR *Headdesk*

Fillyjonk said...

The paranoid thing is an especially brilliant move, since it automatically discounts the opinions of people who see this POS commercial and go "wait, WTF, fat people need more deodorant?" "Oh, well you're only getting offended because you're fat!"

It doesn't help that Subway is a bunch of hypocrites, running this ad and then turning around and running a "this sandwich has the MOST meat and cheese of ANY sandwich!" ad. Way to contribute to (and profit from) our culture's deranged relationship with food, Subway. Like anyone ever believed you cared about "health" in the first place.

fatgirlonadate said...

I just saw this commercial, and I'm stunned. Whoa. It's one of the most blatant fat hate ads I've seen in a long time - and, in a twist, aimed at men.