Thursday, May 15, 2008

I just cut myself on Occam's Razor.

Obesity tied to risk of psychiatric disorders, Reuters is telling me today (via Jezebel, that is). Naturally, since they're scientists (which then triggers a soundbite in my head of Bill Murray in "Ghostbusters": "Back off, man. I'm a scientist"), they're just plain old baffled and their gasts are somewhat flabbered at not being able to "fully investigate" the reasons why us fats seem to come down with depression, anxiety disorders, panic disorders, and phobias.

First of all, in my head I'm thinking, "well...that's a bit of a half-assed study, then, innit, if you couldn't quite 'fully investigate' something?" Kind of like going for a college degree and then deciding you couldn't fully complete all four years of study. You don't wind up with a shiny diploma for thinking "boy, I'd sure like to have a degree in something" and then fucking off to do something else.

And the other thing, the thing that's caused my forehead to become embedded in my IKEA it any fucking wonder the fat tend to be more depressed, etcetera? Not because of our fat, but...oh, I don't know...the reactions we tend to get from the outside world because of it? I know it's been hard to put a spring in my motherfucking step when I've been called a fat bitch by a car full of teenage boys. It's a bit of a push to turn my frown upside-fucking-down when almost everywhere I go in the media or on the internet I'm being cheerfully informed that I'm a horrible, disgusting, lazy creature responsible for multitudes of ills in the world, from global warming to terrorism. I'm waiting on the edge of my seat for hysterical stories claiming the food shortage and higher price issues the U.S. is currently having is due, somehow, to the Obeeeeesity Epidemic. Why, it's a never-ending festival of laughter and joy being tagged as something less than human and undeserving of respect and love! As Howard Stern once proclaimed, "a waste of a perfectly good vagina".

Undoubtedly, there will be a cavalcade of articles at various "lifestyle" websites holding this study up as more inspiration to continue dieting yourself silly and doing whatever it takes to reach the miraculous state of thinness that is easily achieved if only you'd just fucking TRY HARDER YOU LAZY, LAZY ASS. If you would only stop stuffing your silly fat face with all manner of cookies and donuts and candy bars and Big Macs and WORK HARD TO BE THIN, you could be happy. Shit, it even insinuates in the article that us bummed-out chubs can't help but reach for the pint of Ben and Jerry's when we're sadclowning, so it's just a vicious circle that perhaps, one day, Very Smart Scientists can break. But only after they get large grants from the weight loss and bariatric surgery industry.

Seeing as I am someone who wanted a college diploma but dropped out after three years so therefore, I have a college diploma strictly because I wished it, I'm going to tighten up what theory this study is trying to put forth:

If you're not fat, you won't be sad.

BOOM. PRINT IT. SCIENCE. Hell, it's as much of a viable theory as this one from Ann Elk (Miss). If you're thin, absolutely nothing bad ever happens to you, you're never sad, you're never sick, and you wake up every morning whistling "Zippity Doo Dah". If you're fat, well...I think we all know just what it means.

I know it's not scientifically sexy to Occam's Razor shit like this, because Occaming studies doesn't get you the fat cash from the weight loss industry. But holy crap, how about taking a step back, donning the ole Thinking Cap, and positing that perhaps a sizable chunk of us having issues with depression just might be having those issues because the never-ending story shoved up our generous rectums is that WE SUCK? And the message isn't coming just from the media or whatever--loads of us get it from the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally, like family or friends. Incorporate the bigger picture into your study, Mr and Ms. Wizards. Then maybe I'd be more impressed and I wouldn't have to lord my clearly superior theoretical skills over you.

1 comment:

BrendoMan said...

If we had some kind of governing body for us fat folks, I would elect you our leader.