Sunday, April 6, 2008

The one where I get TMI on your asses.

Strap in, sports fans, because I’m fixing to bellyache and whine. Ohhhh, how I’m going to whine. It’s going to be the kind of whining that borders on subsonic at times, the kind of whine that only dogs and dolphins can hear at certain times. It’s that whine that comes up from your feet and gets trapped somewhere in your stomach for a bit, then finally migrates up into your throat but it won’t shake loose.

What has me in such a state of bellywhining?

I’m a little over being told I should be happy with what I have.

I know that’s vague, but I generally take a long-ass time to get to a point, so bear with me. (Start drinking now, it’ll make it easier.) I’m a wee bit tired of the “life’s lessons” speeches and “well, your family loves you and your friends love you”. I’ve damn well had it with what is the emotional equivalent of “you have such a pretty face!” To say that I’m exhausted…oh, honey. “Exhausted” doesn’t even begin to cover how goddamned worn out I am with so many things.

I’m just having one of those days (weeks/months/years) where I’m tired of the ball never being in my court, shall we say. I’m tired of being the third wheel. I’m tired of being the sidekick. I’m tired of being the comic relief. I’m tired of being the counselor and advisor. I am fucking hell-ass tired of feeling left out and awkward.

I AM TIRED OF BEING A SINGLE 36-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.

There. Much better.

Part of me wishes that I could tell you I’m a weergin because of Jesus or some other religious/moral obligation only because on paper (and in my head) it probably seems better than just “I am apparently incapable of getting any tail whatsoever”. But I can only tell you that...yeah, I am apparently incapable of getting any tail whatsoever. Not to say it’s something I obsess over 24/7. I don’t spring out of bed in the morning and salute myself in the mirror with, “Hello, fat virgin! Boy, aren’t you going to be terribly virginal today!” Where it tends to become a hairshirt for me is in the arena of “girl talk”, both IRL and online. It’s hard to explain the feeling beyond “disappointed”. I can’t participate. I can’t commiserate at all when it comes to sexuality, intimacy, or relationships. And I struggle enough with my womanhood in that logically, I know that it’s right for me to be the individual I am, dress the way I feel comfortable, behave the way I behave, believe in what I believe. However, when I’m left out of yet another conversation, when I’m the third wheel or fifth wheel or whatever wheel in a social situation, when I feel like I can’t even write fiction or screenplays involving love or relationships anymore because I know nothing about it...it’s those moments where I wish I could fuck all of my beliefs and ideals and hop on that diet/WLS bandwagon and put on makeup and style my hair and concern myself with dressing fashionably and in a feminine style and be “the right kind”, a more “appropriate” woman.

I know it’s completely half-assed and nonsensical. I know there are plenty of women my size or bigger with personalities and beliefs almost identical to mine who have found mates. Fuck, there are downright awful human beings who have loving, adoring partners. Logic would dictate that I should have some luck. I tried EHarmony, which was a big old bust. I couldn’t even get past the matching stage as they kept sending me matches that were completely inappropriate (that is, completely NOT MATCHING ME). When I say I don’t want kids and I’m not religious, and want to be with someone who doesn’t want kids and isn’t religious...I’m not kidding. They’re two things that I’m really not going to change my mind about. I have an account at Match.com but haven’t brought myself to pony up the $100-plus because all I can think is “that’s another $100 towards yet another epic failure”; spending $100 to go through allegedly-matching profiles that state the preferred body type is slender and athletic. And let’s say I’m able to launch myself past that particular hurdle. How do I explain (well, besides on a very public blog—WHOOPS) that I’ve never been in a relationship, have no experience whatsoever with physical intimacy, and not have someone walk away thinking about how much there must be wrong with me? Being almost compulsively honest about myself (hence this post—WHOOPS), I would feel compelled to explain that I haven’t kissed anyone in close to 13 years and the closest I got to sleeping with someone was because the guy wanted to slap one more notch on his belt before getting married. I’ve had people sincerely suggest to me that I should go to a bar and there’d be no way I’d be rejected by the end of the night. First of all, the statement screams “hey, there’s bound to be SOME guy so drunk and desperate that he’d fuck you, fat ass”. And I’d like to think that I’m worth a bit more than a drunk fuck by a guy that wouldn’t normally come near me. Call me an asshole romantic, but I really don’t relish the idea of being nudie for the first time in front of someone else (who isn’t a medical professional) while that someone else is pretty much a stranger and shitfaced to boot.

Unfortunately, sporting the brain that I do, the voice inside screams, “you are not good enough and you need to get a grip on that. When you do try (at anything, really), you fail. And you usually fail in a spectacular fashion. Just accept you are not good enough and move on. Get over it. It’s a life lesson. There isn’t an ass for every saddle, there isn’t someone for everyone, and certainly not you. You are old, you are ugly, and you are pathetic.” At the present time, I’m finding it difficult to summon up evidence to in order to contradict that voice. I used to be able to get angry and tell the voice to go blow. Now...wow, do I cry a lot. I never used to be a big crier. I was borderline stoic for many years. Present day, however, there’s no telling what will set me off or when it’s going to happen. I’ve had many a train ride home that has been a life-or-death struggle with my tear ducts. I can even make something like having a poorly-hidden cry on public transportation a further gateway into my almost-daily downward spirals because I’ve never once been asked by someone if I was okay. Granted, *I* would probably ignore a fat chick in a hoodie having a weep on my train car, but in my idiot brain, it’s one more piece of evidence that I’m a waste of space.

I don’t know why I feel compelled to share this with the general public. Then again, I did a one-woman comedy piece where I talked freely about the times I contemplated suicide. My father was more bothered by my saying “motherfucker” a lot during it. I think I’m trying to find some sort of peace that has been eluding me for quite a long time. Some people would try therapy or yoga or latch hook. Instead, I vomit up what’s bouncing around my synapses onto a public blog for your...entertainment? Well, perhaps not this particular entry. As I look at my past entries, it seems that I try to close with some sort of “helpful hint” or whatnot, and if I had any kind of advice on this particular day, it would be if your friends or loved ones come to you holding their beating hearts out and just repeating “WHY”, fight the urge to trot out the so-called “helpful” clichés we’re been told will somehow make it all better. Just listen. If a phrase like “it’s a life lesson” or “there’s someone for everyone” threatens to fly past your lips, replace it with “let’s go to the zoo” or “it’s raining on my furniture”. Sometimes, it’s okay not to rattle off a platitude. Sometimes, going to the zoo sounds like the greatest idea in the world.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

You just described exactly how I feel about myself and every thought that continues to run through my head daily. So, if it helps at all, know you're not alone.

And, this is coming from a girl who was a virgin until I was 30. And then lost it to a guy (who I met on eharmony) who said all the right things and did all the right things, until we finally met. We had a wonderful time and had days worth of amazing sex (TMI, sorry)...the kind that makes you feel the way you've always wanted to feel: adored, wanted, loved. And then, when we left and went to our respective homes, he decided he wasn't attracted to me after all and didn't want a relationship. So, believe me, sometimes having no sex is much better than having it with the wrong person who just ends up breaking your heart and destroying the small amount of self esteem you had built up.

Btw, from your previous posts, you are an awesome, amazing person. You rock and any guy would be lucky to be with you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth :)

Mary

Jennifer said...

Sometimes, it’s okay not to rattle off a platitude.


Truer words have never been spoken.

Susan said...

I've go a confession to make.

In Vegas, when we all were playing that drinking game (I can't remember what it's called) where we make a statement and drink if it's true and don't drink if it's not true? Do you remember that?

Anyway, after a few people got started it started getting raunchier and raunchier. And I immediately thought you must be wanting to crawl under the table. I tried to change the mood of the questions when it got to me, but then others started up again...I looked over at you and you had this blank stare on your face and I so wanted to grab you by the hand and go gambling instead.

Anyway, I've always felt so bad about that.

My point is...I love you and I hate seeing you hurt. Do what you need to do to get it out. You know we're here for you.

fatgirlonadate said...

Hey - I just came this way via Queendom, and wanted to say hi. I'm so impressed at your honesty on the blog in general and in this post in particular.

BlueSphere said...

This post really resonated with me. I am only 24, but have had very little experience with relationships. Although I would like one, I think it's unlikely that it will happen for a very long time (if at all).

I am trying to enjoy my life as much as possible as a single person. I was wondering if anyone has any tips on how to do this.

Also, I tried chemistry.com, and was also disappointed with the concept of compatibility matching. As you mentioned, how can I describe my lack of experience with relationships so far, and my reservations about them, in the questions they ask.

I was also frustrated when they returned results where people obviously did not want to consider someone who was fat. I seriously wish these matching sites would include options that allowed people to specify that they only want to be matched with someone who is of a certain body type (so they don't come up in my matches).

If people want to exclude me due to my body type or looks, that's fine. But there should be ways for a person to avoid receiving matches of those who would exclude them due to their body type.

Anyway, great post. Thanks for your openness concerning this issue. I feel that it's so helpful for people to be brave and discuss this type of situation openly, so that people who are in similar situations can find each other and discuss ways to live a fulfilling life while single.

vesta44 said...

When I was still single and looking, I tried some of the sites set up for BBWs. Didn't have much luck there at all. Most of the men who replied to my profile were looking for a "friend with benefits", meaning "I'll screw you, but I won't be seen in public with you". And these were sites for supposed admirers of fat women. Thanks, but no thanks (if I'm not good enough to be seen with in public, I'm not good enough to have sex with either, jerk). So I quit looking (and forgot I still had a personal ad up on Yahoo). I figured that, at the age of 53, I was doomed to a life alone (not that that was a bad thing, necessarily, I'm pretty independent and self-sufficient). Then this fella found my ad, emailed me (his was paid, mine was free). I did the little free "Yeah, I'm interested, tell me more" and he emailed back with his phone number. I debated for a couple of weeks if I should call him or not (he lived 4 hours away from me and I wasn't sure I wanted a long-distance romance, and yeah, 4 hours is long distance for me....lol). Needless to say, I did finally call him, and we hit it off, talking on the phone for hours every weekend when neither of us was working. Then we finally decided to meet in person (in a very public place) and it was funny/cute/ridiculous to see two old farts (I was 53 and he was 51) walking around holding hands and necking in quiet corners (at the casino) like a couple of teenagers. We got married 3 months after we met in person and it's been good for both of us. So it does happen, but it can take a hell of a long time before you meet that someone. We have a lot in common, including a warped sense of humor (I find it hilarious that when he was in the Navy, he would send noobs down to the engine room for a bucket of steam, and that they would actually fall for that, or send a tech to the female doctor on the ship for 3 feet of fallopian tubing). I know, I'm sick and twisted, but see, it took me 35 years of looking to find a man who was as sick and twisted as I am, and who liked the fact that I'm fat (he loves big boobs and ass, and I certainly qualify there).
And I will admit that hearing from everyone around me that there was someone out there somewhere that could, and would, love me was a real pain in the ass, because it just wasn't happening. I felt like it was all my fault because I was fat, I was too picky, I was such a bitch, blah blah blah. But just when I had given up, there he was. Funny how that works sometimes.
But in that 35 years when I was single, I accomplished a lot. I raised my son (yeah, I was thinner back then and had an asshole of a b/f who booked as soon as he found out I was knocked up), I was good at the jobs I held, I learned a lot, read a lot, and saw quite a bit of the country in my moving around, looking for a place where I fit in. So those single years weren't wasted, and maybe what I learned in all of them is part of what attracted DH to me, through what I wrote in my personal (one of my lines was "If you're looking for a perfect 10, keep looking, I'm not, but if you want a woman who can talk cars, fishing, & hunting, then I'm your gal.").
So, I know where you're coming from, I got tired of being the 3rd or 5th wheel all the time too (and got tired of hearing all my friends' lovelife woes when the only thing I felt like telling them was "be glad you have a lovelife, even if it does suck sometimes, at least you have one". It is possible to have a good life while single, but it ain't easy. Do what makes you happy, what you have fun doing, and hopefully, life will give you what you want/need.

courtneyryan369 said...

Thank you for the honesty!

My friends and I have found some interesting results on singlesnet.com and cupid.com

Dark Sarcasm said...

I hear you. I am the counsellor, the best friend, the comic relief, the loudmouth, the defence council. I am 30 and owe my non virginity to alcohol over and over again. Never had a relationship and only one guy has ever wanted to see me after shagging and he's now engaged to someone else.

I'm intelligent, funny, sarcastic, upfront but as I've been told time and time again, being fat and feminist (along with the argumentative) makes me too intimidating.

I feel your pain, girl.

Anonymous said...

Okay, you win at virginity because I am only 25. But I win at (lack of) kissing. I had a prom date but I had no desire to kiss him.

Girl talk isn't much of a problem for me. I guess I have no friends? But romantic fiction sure gets tiresome sometimes.

Anonymous said...

29 year old virgin, reporting for duty... and I've only kissed one guy, which was four years ago, and we were both so stoned I don't even remember it.

I really think this is more common than we all know.

Anonymous said...

I lost my virginity at 38, to a guy I'd met online. It was clear that he was mostly looking to get laid, but I figured, hell, I was too. He was nuts enough that I didn't entertain romantic fantasies of him, but patient and good in bed. I feel very fortunate to have found him, especially since that was when I lived in a horrible place, had a lousy job, no friends, and was depressed as hell. I realize that this IS a platitude, but if I was able to find someone fun to sleep with at the nadir of my life, it's possible for anyone.

But that said, it might also not happen for any of us. I think love, sex, and relationships are much more a matter of luck than people want to admit. So if love doesn't come? If sex doesn't arrive? Then what? The best answer I found was in Marjorie Hillis Roulston's "Live Alone and Like It". This is a book written by a spinster during the depression, about how to be happy living alone. It's been reprinted -- you can find it on amazon. And it's funny and light but serious, and helps make me feel better about being kind to myself and making the best life I can while I'm alone. Because I might always be alone. But that doesn't mean my life has to suck.

And let me say one hopeful, and hopefully non platitudinous word to all of the other older, fat virgins out there. Being involved in fat activism is preparing you for sex in ways you may not recognize. I realized after the fact that the growth process I've gone through as part of FA let me have the attitude that this is my body, take it or leave it. So when the time came to get naked with someone I wasn't nervous about what he might think of my belly or sagging lopsided breasts. I just relaxed into the moment and enjoyed all the squishiness that my fat (and his, for that matter) provided. I've talked to thin friends who CAN NOT feel that free during sex, and I pity them. If I hadn't had to come to terms with fat, and society, and all of that other crap, there's no way I would have been able to enjoy myself nearly so much.

Hang in there. Everyone, hang in there. We're all in this crazy life together, even though we may never meet.

Anonymous said...

OK, this might make some people feel better too:

http://chicanaontheedge.blogspot.com/2006/03/bitter-forever.html

Anonymous said...

34 year old virgin here. Never been kissed. Absolute nada. I know how you feel. Some of the things you write is exactly how I have felt in the past. To a certain extent you even look like me.

This is not too much information. You are not alone in what you are experiencing. There are a whole lotta people out there in similar situations, with much less honesty.

And in regards to your friends who suggest that all you deserve is to pick up some drunk guy to get a root?

Fuck 'em. That's not well meaning, that's god damned patronising. Next time they ring up all booey hooey with their latest problems suggest they go pick up a drunken root at the bar...cos it solved all your problems right?

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling a lot of solidarity with both what was blogged and what has been added. I am new to the noticeably overweight world, but have spent the last twenty+ years thinking I was, so it's actually not much of an adjustment for me. That said, I have had more opportunities for "action" than some who've written, but remain the oldest virgin commenter at forty-one and counting.

I, too, suspect that I may remain alone forever, and have barely had the dating experience of what I remember my peers doing in sixth grade. None of which is very self-esteem promoting, to say the least. I very much resonate with the scenario of how awkward and potentially off-putting it would be for someone to have to "deal" with my virginity, assuming I could get over my own body image/judgement issues.

Strangely, I am managing to not be very depressed about it, if that is any consolation, and I have a ton of other issues--not to say I'm pleased with that by any means--that would give plenty of guys reason to run away, even without the weight and relationship clueless-ness. {May I put in a plug for the wonders of psychopharmacology here?}

Apart from hoping someone will feel better b/c they can compare themselves favorably to me, I just wanted to add a couple of things. Like many here who have posted, I am smart, funny, nice, caring, etc., and I think that those things really do matter. I console myself with believing that a person that isn't attracted to that is probably some variety of asshole, anyway. I also try to practice what I preach, and look at others' personal qualities before their bodies. It is possible that someone will see me/you/us as unspoiled, impossibly innocent, and a miracle of nature to not have the massive baggage that usually accompanies chicks once they're over thirty. We could be the figurative needles in a haystack. I'd like to think so anyway.

My best friend for many years was five foot eight and around two hundred thirty to two hundred fifty pounds, and after years of dealing with all of the pain and other issues that came with it, began to have long-term, very satisfying, sexual relationships with a variety of men. And this from the age of around twenty-two or so. So it is certainly possible. {And for what it's worth, the men I observed her with during this period were not particularly overweight themselves, if that is relevant.}

I had another friend, long ago, who had similar difficulties in meeting men or finding appropriate partners. She was not particularly overweight, but had quite an extreme personality and was not remarkably attractive. She was extraordinary, certainly, in many other respects, but wasn't being chased down the street by any means, and had a personality {smart, opinionated, fiery} that is stereotypically considered "off-putting" to men. She decided, after much suffering over the issue, that she was just going to "be the most extreme version of myself" and screw the world if it didn't like it. And, of course, in short order, a guy that she would never have dreamed would be interested in her, reacted to her like catnip, and they eventually married and had a child. And putting up with her "quirks" didn't even phase him.

And finally, in my previous incarnations where I was kissing/fooling around/getting attention--and yes, this is something that has happened only very sporadically over DECADES--and had the opportunity to get my "cherry popped," may I just say that these experiences were, although not abusive or particularly inept, completely un-tempting. I'd take a vibrator ANY DAY over a guy who doesn't know who I am, isn't emotionally available--or interested--and just wants to get off. Or worse yet, will be repulsed by me after the fact. And ladies, whether you believe it or not, THAT'S THE LION'S SHARE OF THEM, regardless of what size you are.

The thing I sometimes get sad about or feel pain over is that I have not yet experienced the kind of love/relationship that I would like. But I think there are a hell of a lot of people out there that can relate to that pain--many of them with TONS of "experience" and many of them CURRENTLY MARRIED.

May I suggest that we may not have missed out on anything by not having all of the "learning" "drunk" "abusive" "time-wasting" sexual adventures/ experiences/relationships that many of our peers have? I am sure that there is a lot to be learned just by being "in the game," but I've also seen a lot of heavy damage sustained by those who throw their hat in the ring and mostly just end up learning the hard way what love is NOT. ANY opportunity is not better than NO opportunity.

What everyone is looking/hoping/waiting for is an opportunity that makes you want to take that risk. And yes, it totally sucks to feel that somehow you are not able to get your "fair share." But many of the very attractive girls of my acquaintance haven't done much better. They are getting a ton of shitty opportunities, of course, some better than others, and a lot of guys want to use them, physically and otherwise, to gratify their own egos. Talk about raking your self-esteem over the incinerator. On top of that, if it makes you feel any better--which I know it may not--those girls still have their own issues in terms of what kind of guys they are attracted to and why--such that many, many of them go after {or respond to} guys that aren't any good anyway. So I guess that's a long-winded way of saying that I'm not completely convinced that the grass is so much greener on the other side of the fence.

I think that it makes total sense for you to be depressed and sad about your circumstances. It's natural to want to connect with others emotionally, intimately, physically; we are all wired for that. But I also think that there is a part of you that knows what you are worth--the part that is not willing to go to a bar and go home with the last drunk there just to be able to say she's been laid. The world may tell you that you don't deserve that complete kind of human connection; asshole unconscious folks may echo that assertion in the subtext of their speech, but that doesn't make it true. It just makes it not very easy to live in this world in the skin you're in. And if you have jackass parents who didn't demonstrate your lovability to you on a daily basis, that only makes it a harder message to assimilate as an adult. But it's not true.

You are beautiful and perfect and lovable and deserving--just the way you are. THAT'S the truth. Know it. Feel it. Live it. Spread it, if you can. And never, ever sell yourself out. That's the way I get through the hard-ness of being me every day. And some days it's easier than others.

Potterchik said...

To hell with stoic. That will only make you sick.

Anonymous said...

Girl, I'm 32 and am SO there with you. Even if by some miracle I met someone who could see past the physical, how will they not be put off by my serious lack of experience? It's just feels unnatural to not have a simple, "common" experience like a first kiss or first date to even to. How do you explain not having those ny 32, without making it even worse??? I'm seriously convinced I will be alone forever at this point. And I'm just as tired and angry as you, and just as uncertain as to what to do about it. So, it's good to know I'm not alone. And now also kind of depressed. And I want to go to the zoo.