Thursday, December 30, 2010

A spoonful of stupid.

So I was over at Shakesville and watching a very cute video of a cute little baby kid who clearly has discovered the word "no" and, as a result, says "no!" to every question posed. "Do you want a million dollars?" "No no!" Very cute. It kicks off, however, by a commercial for (I suspect it's Dannon) Light and Fit Yogurt that is only 80 calories, people, versus that dreadful 100 calories that some OTHER bastardly yogurt is because that 20 CALORIES WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR LOSING .5 POUNDS AND ONE FULL POUND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY

*cough* Anyway, it's the typical three ladies at a cafe table eating the LUXURIOUS and DELICIOUS sweet JESUS this could possibly HEAL THE SICK and bring PEACE to the WORLD yogurt and talking about all the magical properties it contains and how it will make their apparently dreadful lives so much better. One woman proclaims, "Here's to finding more than one outfit that fits me!" The next woman adds, "Here's to my pants not leaving marks on my waist at the end of the day!" They giggle like ladies are wont to do. "Here's to 80 calories tasting CRAZY good," the third woman says.

Okay, I've got an easy solution for them - how about finding fucking clothes that FUCKING FIT YOU? Hey, if you want to get down with some Light and Fit yogurt because it's tasty (I myself am not averse to yogurt, be it the full-metal full-fat yogurt or taking a spin with some random "light" yogurt because it can be tasty - particularly with some granola being involved), knock yourself out. But if you want to avoid those tragic marks on your waist? WEAR PANTS THAT FUCKING FIT YOU. It's remarkable how I, a fatty fat fatty fat Lady Mayoress of Fatville, is able to manage such a feat, as do many of my compatriots. You want more than one outfit that fits you? Go to the store and BUY SOME OUTFITS THAT FIT YOU. I mean, we've heard quite a lot of horseshit diet ad/diet product scripts over the years - how can you avoid it - but this one comes close to being at the top of my "COMPLETELY DEFIES LOGIC AND REASON" list. It's right up there with the "now that I'm thin, I can go to Paris!!!" crap as being "inspiration" to diet.

Well, the UNICORN POWERED YOGURT did serve me some inspiration, I guess...inspiration to want to run around my room going "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" for a few minutes. HEY that might BURN CALORIES and MAKE ME LOSE .0000003 OUNCES. The tip of my right index finger looks slimmer already!


Rubyfruit said...

I love yogurt. It is delicious. But yogurt commercials piss me off for every reason you just said, if they're not making me laugh so hard that I fall out of my chair.

But seriously? 80 calories? Not enough. Not nearly enough.

Anonymous said...

OMG--I hear ya loud and clear! I'm so SICK of these stupid ass ads that insist that 20 calories is going to change your frickin life. Please--these bitches are even overweight to start with.

I'm particularly annoyed at the moment with Special K ads. Seriously--'keep the muscle, lose the fat'? From eating essentially over-processed-to-the-degree-that-it-takes-a-linguist-to-decipher-the-label-on-the-box grain? Oh please fuck me gently with a chainsaw rather than make me watch this drivel.

You want to know how I kept the muscle and lost the fat? Boycotting every product, and company that sells these products, effectively reducin my weekly shopping to the produce and meat sections, with a sprint through the dairy to grab milk. That's about it.

My wallet is fatter and my ass is leaner. Not exactly my initial intention, but hey, whatever works.

80 calories. Please, don't fucking try to pull that one over on ME! lol

Kristi P.