Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Goodbye, horse's ass.

To whatever hipster douchebag, horse's ass, and overall jackmonkey it may concern:

I sometimes wonder what goes through your head as you amble down the street, eyeballing the world and racking up your witty bon mots to share with your Facebook/Twitter/internet audience. Do you think you're this deeply intellectual observer of the human condition, compelled to lord over those in the world you believe to be limited in their capacity to understand the things you consider to be hallmarks of a truly evolved mind? Do you think you have unique, remarkable insight into the world and all its machinations? Do you think you're special?

The thing I love about you, hipster douchebag, is just how much you wallow in privilege and absolutely refuse to acknowledge one drop of it. You're the kind of d-bag that crabs and rags about the horrors of fat people but you hang out with your fat pal and don't consider hir to be "one of them". Your fat pal's one of the good ones, right, because ze puts up with your horseshit and hey, ze's on a diet for the umpteenth time so ze's trying, at least. You insist that everyone can afford to eat "healthy" and cut your eyes at the contents of fat people's grocery carts so you can feel superior about your basketful of organic bok choy. If you can afford it, everyone else can, right?

And by gum, you are going to make sure that every single person within reading or listening distance knows precisely how special you are at any given moment in time, how well you adhere to your assorted "healthy" routines and food choices and bask in the praise that always comes because people mistake food intake and activity levels and weight loss for virtue an awful lot these days. You're determined to be the Messiah amongst your loved ones when it comes to health, for you (and only you) have discovered the way, the truth, and the light. It's only because you care that you're commenting on what your friends and family choose to eat in your presence. You mean well. It's coming from a good place. Truly.

It's not necessary for you to be self-aware, H.D., because you're aware of ALL THINGS. You totes understand the assorted struggles that assorted people endure at any given moment because you read that one book once or saw a movie or watched a TV show about this thing in the middle of the night in a hotel room. Because of your learnings, it's super-okay for you to say insensitive, idiotic things and brand them as "controversial" or "politically incorrect" because you're just speaking the TRUTH in very bold, capital letters. People who might attempt to correct you are oversensitive and need to just get over whatever it is they need to get over and not take things so seriously, god.

It's just, you know, whatever.


Anonymous said...

Too true! It also helps me to remember to keep a tight leash on my inner douchebag.

Anonymous said...

OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!