Wednesday, April 7, 2010

And now, a message from Your Royal Highness.

(h/t to Shakesville)

"When we get fat, we fool ourselves with every kind of lie imaginable. By 2008, my weight started creeping up and I said, 'Oh, I still look good at 150. I still look good at 155. I still look okay at 165. Some of my clothes still fit at 175.' And nobody was saying 'You're fat.' I was like a bank robber who was getting away with it."—Kirstie Alley

Well, first off, who's "we"? But that's just my initial reaction to yet another gigantically unhelpful quote from the annals of Kirstie Alley.

But let's see how I've fooled myself, Kirstie. I fooled myself for years believing that I wasn't worth a good goddamn because I was fat. I fooled myself for years believing I wasn't worth love or friendship or success because I was fat. I fooled myself as a child and adolescent by enduring verbal abuse from adults (TEACHERS!) who were simply "trying to help" by openly mocking me for being fat - I couldn't believe they didn't have my best interests at heart, because after all, they just wanted me to be "healthy", right? I fooled myself with endless diets that always failed because it was "my fault".

I must have been fooling myself when something - I couldn't even TELL you what at this stage of the game - kept me going, kept me living, kept me from shrinking into a corner and completely falling apart despite everything telling me that I was bad, wrong, awful, terrible, ugly, horrible, disgusting. And when I finally made up my mind that I was enough, that I was worthwhile, that I fucking rocked socks on epic levels as a fat fat FAT FAT FAAAAT woman, well, shit. I am clearly the Queen of Foolvania for daring to think that. You know what I've gotten away with? Freedom. Contentment. Calm. Joy. Enormous amounts of laughter. A real affection for goat cheese. Traveling the world. Shaking hands, making friends. ("Eric Stratton, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you.") Better health, both physically and mentally. Love - and not "in spite of" my being fat. Or that fucked up, creepy conditional shit where it's "okay" as long as I'm trying to lose it all. Actual full-metal no bullshit support and comfort and snuggles and smooches and nudity love.

Your experience is not universal, Kirstie. And you don't speak for me, or loads and loads of people like me. And it's my goal to see to it that there are more being added every day to the loads of people who have gotten away clean.


Angela said...

Amen. It's says so much about the culture that we live in, the fact that what should be a simple act of living contentedly in a large body is a subversive act, one that apparently Kristi Alley thinks is akin to bank robbery.

Eve said...

My personal experience is with you, 100%. I do have a friend, though, who told a similar story to Kirstie's. She gained weight gradually, due to a medication, and says she wished someone would have expressed concern over it. Instead I think she assumes everyone was being nice and not mentioning it. Which, you know, anyone who cared about her was well aware of what medication she was on and that was probably the reason for the weight gain.

Like Kirstie, this woman was pretty much thin for a long time; maybe that's the difference. Maybe sometimes people who think of themselves as thin don't have the long-haul baggage of being fat-shamed for years and years, especially as children and teenagers when it is especially bad. Therefore they think people aren't noticing their weight. Whereas for me I assume everyone notices my weight, and I'm glad they don't talk to me about it if they have a problem with it.